symmetry

there is something i am still wrapping my brain and my words around but my body is halfway there. there are some things we just have to stop feeding, starve of our energy. i thought i could feel my way out of these patterns and places but understanding them in circles of talk therapy is indulging in the excavation of my self worth, a constant mining of my life force. i’ve reached the point in healing that calls for decisions, and disrupting and NO.

choosing the discomfort of the unknown over the safe harbors close to shore. i am learning the patience and heartbeat of my own pace. there is something luxurious and soft and abundant about getting mad, choosing something new. i feel a certain kind of beautiful when I’m not stitched inside the lines, but overflowing the edges. i don’t want to be someone doing all of the doing, i want to be carried and sang to and nurtured. to bloom with the moon and wear soft things that flow like a river over curves.

i think to be me, the real me, to be still enough to feel life breathing through me, to feel like my life is a puzzle piece that fits inside me, i have to love myself enough say no to a lot, even as i watch parts of me break off and float down the river never to be seen again. i am seeing them off standing on the bank of this crossroads in a white nightgown in the dark and the wind.

I feel my values turning, rearranging themselves like a mandala swept and remade by a moonlit hand. in this life, we are not good or tame. we are the beautiful architecture of life like wolves and fire and hushing trees. there is something here that is alive and dark and like deep brown eyes and a lake under stars, it is more than good. it asks nothing of me but to notice, to stand still inside it, hold center.